Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Oh Canada!
Most of the time I think of myself as an Internationalist rather than a Nationalist. It's true that I'm proud of Canada in that, Oh so Canadian modest way, I'd never actually admit that I love the old country.... but then that wouldn't be really too Canadian, eh?
But this week I've found myself actually tearing up, several times actually, over things so truly Canadian that I'm almost ashamed of myself for being so boosterish... if that's actually a word these days.
The first time was when the World Economic Forum said that Canada had the best banks in the world. Hmmm... and I thought all along that our banks were too conservative, and without glamour at all. None of those fancy derivatives for our banks, oh no! Canadians should have known better all along, and it turns out we did. Boring is good, which means that Canada is REALLY GOOD!
So much for the serious stuff.
On Sunday I watched Paul Gross' Passchendale, a movie about one of the pivotal battles in the First World War. People who think that the Canadian military tradition is about peacemaking rather than about war should watch this movie. Canadians kicked ass over there, even while feeling ambigious about the whole damn thing, and being sympathetic to our enemies. We never could RAH RAH very well, but we should can fucking fight! The German invented the words Storm Trooper to describe our forces.
And talk about amazing movies. This is the best movie I've seen in years. And I love the fact you don't get to see one damn Yankee in the whole thing.
Then on Tuesday I went to hear and see Celine Dion sing at GM Place in Vancouver. She's a national treasure the likes of which no other nation can claim. With pipes like hers who needs anything else? Even more amazing she's still like a real person who shows signs of fatigue, yet soldiers on and delivers song after brilliant song. Holy shit. Another Canadian superstar! For real. OMG.
Which got me thinking about being Canadian and all that.... Maybe we should allow ourselves, just once in a while, to be unabashed about just how great a country this is, and just how great so many Canadians are.
But this week I've found myself actually tearing up, several times actually, over things so truly Canadian that I'm almost ashamed of myself for being so boosterish... if that's actually a word these days.
The first time was when the World Economic Forum said that Canada had the best banks in the world. Hmmm... and I thought all along that our banks were too conservative, and without glamour at all. None of those fancy derivatives for our banks, oh no! Canadians should have known better all along, and it turns out we did. Boring is good, which means that Canada is REALLY GOOD!
So much for the serious stuff.
On Sunday I watched Paul Gross' Passchendale, a movie about one of the pivotal battles in the First World War. People who think that the Canadian military tradition is about peacemaking rather than about war should watch this movie. Canadians kicked ass over there, even while feeling ambigious about the whole damn thing, and being sympathetic to our enemies. We never could RAH RAH very well, but we should can fucking fight! The German invented the words Storm Trooper to describe our forces.
And talk about amazing movies. This is the best movie I've seen in years. And I love the fact you don't get to see one damn Yankee in the whole thing.
Then on Tuesday I went to hear and see Celine Dion sing at GM Place in Vancouver. She's a national treasure the likes of which no other nation can claim. With pipes like hers who needs anything else? Even more amazing she's still like a real person who shows signs of fatigue, yet soldiers on and delivers song after brilliant song. Holy shit. Another Canadian superstar! For real. OMG.
Which got me thinking about being Canadian and all that.... Maybe we should allow ourselves, just once in a while, to be unabashed about just how great a country this is, and just how great so many Canadians are.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Dinner at the kids
Katherine and I had dinner with Ashleah and Jen at their condo in Vancouver, with Donald Jr. eventually joining us for what was all in all a fun evening with the kids. I must say that I find it strange still to see my kids as grown ups, despite the fact that they have been all grown up for quite a long time.
I can even say that I find it disconcerting from time to time, as I don't feel old enough to have children older than I feel. In my dreams I find myself still a child sometimes, with the wisdom and experience of a child. I see things that I don't understand at all, and mostly, with childlike grace and sagacity, don't care that I don't understand what I'm seeing. It's sort of like losing my critical capacities altogether when I dream, and I drift from one completely idiotic place to another without so much as a by-your-leave.
Back to dinner. It was Academy Awards night so we watched the awards ceremony while we ate and kind of chatted around them. It was too bad that the Canadian teen star didn't win and that her movie didn't either. (On the other hand, I heard from Tina, my assistant, that the movie was actually terrible and didn't deserve to win anyway.) By the time the awards were over it must have been time to leave as I found myself being shushed out the door by my son who wanted to clean up and do something else other than entertain his family. I can't understand it, we were only there for four hours.... what's four hours in the life of your family?
Oh well, I sort of remember feeling the same thing when my parents came over for dinner, and how relieved I was when they finally left after an evening. Still, I hate being put in the position of feeling like I have overstayed my welcome, despite the fact that I was being completely oblivious to more subtle signals given to me by Katherine.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Valentines Day
Katherine
Here's my Valentine. I realize that we moved in together on November 28, 1982 - twenty-five years ago! We've been watching out for each other's backs, looking to help each other have a good day, and loving each other no matter what ever since.
Congratulations to both of us!
Here's to another 25 years!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Discovery of Faith
I’ve been meditating on sharing some of my experiences with you, especially those that touch on the darkest days of my life. While thoughts of suicide have not been my constant companion over the years, I frequently have had days that are so dark that I wonder if I’ll ever experience the joyful light of day again. And indeed, there have been days so dark in the course of my life that I have begged God to let me die. And cursed him for not granting me the courage to end it all.
What could bring a man like me to such a cursed state? As you have said to the choir in asking for these thoughts, the details of the story itself aren’t that important to the sharing of the experience that helped me, and helps me to this day, to reach out for the light rather than hide in the darkness.
In my very darkest hour, when my belief in my value as a human being was at its lowest ebb, it was the love I felt for my children that persuaded me that there had to be something in me worth saving. Not for my sake, for I truly believed I was condemned to suffer the pangs of guilt and self loathing for the rest of my days, and into eternity, if indeed there is such a thing as life after death. But no, because although I felt as low and worthless as I could ever imagine feeling, I believed that my suicide would be the worst thing I could possibly do to my kids. The example of Earnest Hemingway stared me in the face. The thought of my children learning of my fate, and possibly being influenced to take their own lives in their own despair at some point, bolstered my need to survive.
I clung to small glimmers of purpose, in the absence of hope - to provide my children with an example of a man, their father, who was willing to acknowledge his total worthlessness as a human being, but who had sufficient courage to continue to strive for the best interests of his children. No matter how badly depressed I was, no matter how dark my soul – this could not be my gift to them.
When I stared out the window from the institution where I was being treated, during a winter on the West Coast more than 25 years ago, it was if the very landscape and weather conspired against hope, a constant greyness laid upon gloomy rainstorms and incessant winds. It echoed how I felt about my future and myself. I was alone in the world because I felt unworthy of the love of anyone.
My life was totally distrurbing and humiliating to me, and I suffered a sense of loss, guilt beyond remorse, and beyond redemption. I did my very best to drive away anyone who loved me. So I sat, miserable and lonely, medicated with powerful drugs, and with no faith in God, or God’s compassion or forgiveness.
But I could not turn my back on my children, no matter how strongly I believed that they were better off with me out of their lives.
Later I would discover the power of the love of and for my wife and life partner, and indeed learned that I did have some genuine gifts to share with those around me. But the darkness of those days is still with me, in a small corner of my soul, and what keeps it at bay, in my darkest hours today is the love that I feel for others in my life, beginning with my children and my wife, and extending out from them to a joyful embrace of humanity in all of its generous forms and shapes and sizes.
The greatest revelations of faith, for me, is my journey of discovery of faith in God through my love for a little child, two of them actually. My own children. From that simple realisation came everything else of value in my life. It is not so much the love that others had or have for me, but the discovery that I truly have the capacity to love others, and I do, and as a result am thereby so greatly rewarded.
Today I feel blessed in my life, no matter what happens in the future, for I have had the greatest experience of life, to love and to be loved, fully and without reservation. In learning to give and accept love, I discovered the existence and surety of my present faith in God compassion and generosity. I know that I am not alone, and that God loves me, just as I loved (and love) my little children.
Don.
What could bring a man like me to such a cursed state? As you have said to the choir in asking for these thoughts, the details of the story itself aren’t that important to the sharing of the experience that helped me, and helps me to this day, to reach out for the light rather than hide in the darkness.
In my very darkest hour, when my belief in my value as a human being was at its lowest ebb, it was the love I felt for my children that persuaded me that there had to be something in me worth saving. Not for my sake, for I truly believed I was condemned to suffer the pangs of guilt and self loathing for the rest of my days, and into eternity, if indeed there is such a thing as life after death. But no, because although I felt as low and worthless as I could ever imagine feeling, I believed that my suicide would be the worst thing I could possibly do to my kids. The example of Earnest Hemingway stared me in the face. The thought of my children learning of my fate, and possibly being influenced to take their own lives in their own despair at some point, bolstered my need to survive.
I clung to small glimmers of purpose, in the absence of hope - to provide my children with an example of a man, their father, who was willing to acknowledge his total worthlessness as a human being, but who had sufficient courage to continue to strive for the best interests of his children. No matter how badly depressed I was, no matter how dark my soul – this could not be my gift to them.
When I stared out the window from the institution where I was being treated, during a winter on the West Coast more than 25 years ago, it was if the very landscape and weather conspired against hope, a constant greyness laid upon gloomy rainstorms and incessant winds. It echoed how I felt about my future and myself. I was alone in the world because I felt unworthy of the love of anyone.
My life was totally distrurbing and humiliating to me, and I suffered a sense of loss, guilt beyond remorse, and beyond redemption. I did my very best to drive away anyone who loved me. So I sat, miserable and lonely, medicated with powerful drugs, and with no faith in God, or God’s compassion or forgiveness.
But I could not turn my back on my children, no matter how strongly I believed that they were better off with me out of their lives.
Later I would discover the power of the love of and for my wife and life partner, and indeed learned that I did have some genuine gifts to share with those around me. But the darkness of those days is still with me, in a small corner of my soul, and what keeps it at bay, in my darkest hours today is the love that I feel for others in my life, beginning with my children and my wife, and extending out from them to a joyful embrace of humanity in all of its generous forms and shapes and sizes.
The greatest revelations of faith, for me, is my journey of discovery of faith in God through my love for a little child, two of them actually. My own children. From that simple realisation came everything else of value in my life. It is not so much the love that others had or have for me, but the discovery that I truly have the capacity to love others, and I do, and as a result am thereby so greatly rewarded.
Today I feel blessed in my life, no matter what happens in the future, for I have had the greatest experience of life, to love and to be loved, fully and without reservation. In learning to give and accept love, I discovered the existence and surety of my present faith in God compassion and generosity. I know that I am not alone, and that God loves me, just as I loved (and love) my little children.
Don.
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